Happiness Is My Unicorn

What does happiness feel like?  It’s a question I often ask myself.  The answer continues to elude me.  One of the symptoms of depression is the inability to feel happiness.  For me this happens during depressive episodes and when things are back to normal.  Even when I am feeling “happy” I’m never really sure if it is true happiness or pretend.  One of my favorite bloggers, Jenny Lawson, from The Bloggess has a saying that I often remember to help get through bad days.  That saying is “Depression Lies”  (BTW go check her out at http://www.thebloggess.com, she cracks me up and I can totally relate sometimes. If you like her blog she also has a book that had me laughing to tears.)

Depression lies is a great way to describe what depression does to someone.  During an episode I feel like I will never know happiness again and get no joy out of anything.  I feel like I’m worthless and am a huge burden to my family and friends.  I also feel like a terrible mother and that my daughter deserves so much more that I can give her.  I become self absorbed with these thoughts and almost become a ghost in my own home.  These feelings can quickly spiral out of control until I feel all alone in the world and I shut down.  If someone asks how I’m doing I tell them I’m fine.

Through therapy I have learned that talking about what triggered the episode can help bring me out of it, but figuring out that trigger is sometimes really hard for me.  Plus when I already feel like a huge burden that last thing I want to do is burden someone with my trivial problems.  But I’m working on it and it is getting easier to talk to someone without the guilt.  I am also getting better about learning my triggers so I can avoid the episode completely someday.

But back to that elusive happiness, sometimes the best perspective on happiness can come from a child.  In a conversation with her dad about unicorns, my three year old daughter told him that it’s not that unicorns don’t exist we just haven’t found them yet.  It is a profound idea from a three year old.  I was reminded last night of this and how I can apply it to happiness.  Happiness is my unicorn.  It’s not that it doesn’t exist, I just haven’t found it yet.

Advertisements

Please Put On Your Seatbelts and Enjoy The Ride

Welcome to jessicababbles!  I’m Jessica and like to talk about pretty much everything.  Sometimes it makes sense, other times, not so much.  But that’s me, I’m a goofy, nerdy, fun loving, and quirky girl.  I have been married since 2006 and have a daughter who will be 4 soon, and keeps me quite busy both taking care of her and creating things for her.

I am currently a stay at home mom, but I am also qualified to be a K-5 teacher and have an Art degree.  Maybe someday I’ll get a job doing something related to my very expensive pieces of paper.  But until then, I thought writing a blog would be a good way to express my creativity and keep busy. My writing is not always the best and my understanding of grammar is lacking, but that’s why it’s called jessica babbles.  I plan on sharing with you stories of my crafting projects and tutorials. 

Feel free to leave me comments, questions, concerns and whatever else is on your mind.  I love making new friends.  Come visit me on Facebook and Twitter.  And while your there please share me with everyone you know.  Oh and please share my stories as well.  I am also hoping to do some Youtube videos as well.  If you want to talk more you can email me at jessicababbbles@hotmail.com.  As you leave comments please try and remember to be a caring and decent human being.  Because if you are a troll, I will remove your comments and even you from my blog.  I may play a troll on World of Warcraft but i don’t tolerate them in real life.